Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
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All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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