surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
