and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
