so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
