You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
