I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
