I wish I could teleport
i was born a porn star she said
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
