I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
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Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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