did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My life is pants optional.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
