I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
