I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
