the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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