Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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