my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
