Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
