Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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