I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
