this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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