I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
