So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator