He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??