Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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