Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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