So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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