God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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