So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I need to calm my uterus...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
