I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
