my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
