i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
