Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
