My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
