its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
