the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
