I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize