Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
