Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize