My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
did i walk over a car last night?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
