Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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