Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize