Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
