I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My ATM looks so different sober.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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