Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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