i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
