Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
