I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again