guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.