I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.