Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?