I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.