we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back