Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
