I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
