I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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