Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Fuck appropriateness.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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