a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
