3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry about my life...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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