New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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