We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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