No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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